“All I wanted to be was a footballer, and you guys took that
away from me….”. I listened in sadness as I watched this guy accuse his parents
for being responsible for what he had
turned out to be and how frustrated his life was as a result. As I left this family, I thought of how many
other people have been trapped in a world they feel alien to as a result of decisions
of their lives that have been made for them by the elderly authorities in their
lives or their parents.
I have always been accused by my family for being too
independent and wanting unnecessary freedom, and they keep saying my father
would never have condoned that if he was alive, unknown to them, my father
inculcated that life style into me and I also inherited most of it from my
strong-headed mother. Unfortunately for me, they are not the only ones that
think so, as our society is dependency-oriented and a lot of us have also been
brought up with that mind-set, as such, a young guy or lady seen living alone
when single at almost whatever age is seen as an anomaly instead of the normal
thing. So I am constantly at that point where I seem unnecessarily strong-headed.
Not to say I am a saint when it comes to that though, but I have seen a number
of things to make me realize that the problem doesn’t lie totally with me.
I hate it when the only reason one can give me for wanting
me to do something is just because ‘you are older than me and think you have
seen life more than me’. Much as there are times this can save someone, let us
not kid ourselves and say it works all the time. On the contrary, I have
watched parents and elderly folks manipulate the younger generation with this line often enough as well as ‘I am your
mother/father, I know better’. Wrong! If you think someone is taking a wrong
turn, take time to explain to them why you feel so, and if it just a hunch,
then say so, not manipulate them with a gift that God has given you.
What is worse with some of the elderly is the fact that when
they have made some of these blunders and it back fires, the failure to admit
that they were wrong, thereby passing the wrong message of ‘acceptance of haven
made a mistaken as a weakness’. I saw a mother once apologizing to her child
for being wrong. I thought to myself, I wish all parents could be like that. The
truth is much as they hold some measure of elderly/parental foresight, the
challenges of today and the challenges of their time are a bit different and
,most of them have failed to catch up to know the best style of parenting to
adopt. Fortunately for some parents, without much of their positive input,
their kids have turned out right, yet they try to frustrate the efforts of
these kids by wanting to hold on, controlling what is left of their lives almost
when it is too late.
One time, a young lady told me of how she told an aunt who had wanted to give her the
sex education talk that she can keep it as she had learnt all there is to it
the hard way. That might sound harsh, but it was the truth. How many more young
girls and boys are out there learning these lessons when the wrong way? Their parents
seems to forget that the moral standards of the world has dropped and exposure
to these things are harder to control than before, yet they still try to adopt
the same methods that their own parents used to them. How well is it working
out? Some parents do not even have the moral strength to caution their children
as they have become sign posts instead of leaders. Yet, they blame the child
when it seems they turned out wrong.
I was talking once with a girl who loved to sleep around,
drink and smoke. I asked her once how her dad would feel if he knew the life
she was living. Her response was- “he should have asked me first how I felt
watching him live his life the same way if not worse”. To say your own child has failed, is to say
that you as a parent have failed, because they didn’t bring themselves up.
I have a lot of respect for the elderly do not get me wrong,
but maybe there are times when they too can miss it and they have to show humility
by accepting that they have missed it, even if it means hearing it from a
younger person. The age gap might bring some form of wisdom, but there are
younger folks who have built character that some grey hair may never have had. Plus,
if we go back to the Bible, same can be said of the friends of Job. The younger
person held his peace long enough to give the elderly chance to spew out
wisdom, when he couldn’t hold it anymore he let out- ….”There is a spirit in
man and the inspiration of the Almighty gives him understanding”. How true this
is.
I personally think that the controlling traits that the generation
above min has portrayed and the failure to accept mistakes is part of the
problems of this country too, unfortunately, the younger ones have given them that power as much as they
have held on to it. But all that can change. I love my parents and every
elderly person in my life, the wisdom they sometimes portray I hope to give to
my children too some day. But there is a big gap in what that generation has offered
us and what they should have, and since they have failed to admit their errors,
it is our responsibility to get it right and not make the same mistakes.
A friend on facebook once said- ‘Those who keep criticizing
this generation have forgotten those who raised them”. How true this is. The greatest
treasure a parent can leave their child is to groom them to be what God wants
them to be, not what you as a parent want that child to be. The advise I gave
to football crazy friend, ‘you can help other kids make the right choices, by
becoming a coach if you can, and teach them the value of education as well’. That
is my advice to anyone else who feels trapped in the same place. Pick up
whatever pieces you can and take it back to God, because if your folks failed,
He will never fail, for He alone can bridge that gap.
